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Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
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12:40 am - back in town
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so im finally back from england and france.. 2 very long weeks.. but i had some good times.. but my tired ass is too lazy to type about it all here... either call me up.. or i might get around to posting some highlights when i havent been awake for almost 30+ and done more travelling and sitting around airports than i ever thought possible.
current mood:  tired
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| Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
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2:12 am - LATA BIATCHES
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So im gonna be taking off to europe on wednesday morning.. england for a week.. france for a week.. partying it up in london for my bday.. what else could i ask for... a two week break away from dumb crap.. then when i come back... start to start planning my move... life is finally moving along.. yay!! ill be back on the 31st.. love ya'll.. lata
current mood:  excited
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| Sunday, April 17th, 2005
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1:30 am - Here's how wonderful my weekend has been so far...
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and I mean that in total seriousness..
So, on friday, went to my health class.. took a test and aced it. Then went to jamba juice with my manager from picture people. Then we went to go pick up my paycheck. was on the phone with the payroll company for dumb shit, and i felt a hand on my ass.. thought it was one of my managers. turned around to see eric, who had happened to go to the mall to get something for his boss and decided to check and see if I was at work, even tho i wasnt working that day. Went to lunch with him and another manager. got ready for the concert. eric came and picked me up and we drove down to sb.. both of us looking quite gawgeous. Got to highmehs, took a few shots of jager.. caught a cab to the bowl.. hit the pit.. moshed, slammed, and worked my way to front row of velvet revolver.. lead singer jumped off the stage right in front of me. shoved stupid bitches outta my way. eric got hit in the head with a guitar pick. went to in-n-out and went home.
Then saturday.. woke up, went to work at the Y, went to KFC for lunch with a co-worker. She came and took pictures. Did two other sits which sold combined at about 250.. which ROCKS.. then the power went out to our half of the mall at about 3:45. so we shut down the store and went shopping in the other half of the store while we waited to find out if we needed to close for the day. Manager let me leave at like 4:45.. so i got my saturday night/afternoon off for the first time in awhile. went to erics, snuggled up in bed, watched a movie. Went to san sai for dinner, got jamba juice and coldstones. went back to his place, put on finding neverland, fell asleep in each others arms. woke up, drove home. and now, here i sit. this weekend has ROCKED hard core. Cant wait to sleep in tomorrow and probably go back down to erics in the afternoon for an allday cuddle movie fest we planned. Sigh... i love it when good weekends come along every now and then. Hope everyones was just as enjoyable.
current mood: content
current music: watchin TV
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| Thursday, April 14th, 2005
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10:04 pm - oh yeah bitches... rock out time
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soooo.. tomorrow night.. i get to go to velvet revolver and hoobastank at the bowl in SB... with 3 of my fave boys.. eric highmeh and jeremy... fuckin pit tickets.. oh yeah.. theres about to be a fuckin FIGHT up in that shit... haha... im sooo excited.. highmeh has already offered to go in after me if i get pulled into a moshpit... i have a feeling im walkin out with a black eye or something.. but god it will be SOOO freakin worth it... let me know if ya want souveniers.. haha.. totally cant spell..m but yeah... dude
current mood: excited
current music: Makin the band.. bitchin broads
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| Sunday, March 27th, 2005
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10:43 am - Happy Easter!!
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Have a great easter guys.. love you all
current mood:  hungry
current music: Some movie on tv
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| Thursday, March 24th, 2005
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11:24 am - I had the most amazing night last night
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So eric came and picked me up last night from the Y after I got off work. Of course...me and my cool self.. in a bad mood as usual.. but he always finds a way to put up with it lately.. I dont know how.. but he does it. So we drove out to the beach, but decided to stay inside the car cuz it was windy as a mofo. So he pulled a sleeping bag from the back of his car and stretched it out across us and we snuggled down underneath it. We sat there, watching the waves, the palm trees blowing in the wind, people doing it in the cars next to us.. haha.
Eric has this amazing capability to imagine almost anything. The boy will sit somewhere for hours and imagine his own neverland. So yesterday, he decided to test my imagination. So he had me look at one of the palm trees, and asked if it were to break right now, where would it fall.. and had me imagine all these other circumstances involving the fall. It was pretty fun.
Then he had me close my eyes, to imagine something else. He had me imagine that it was 730 in the morning. It was a crisp morning, slight breeze. I live in a hose overlooking the ocean in the ventura hills. I wake up, open the french doors, and go sit on the balcony watching outside. Then he walks ot onto the balcony, with coffee and breakfast in tow. He sets it down on the table, gives me a morning kiss, and then sits down with me. After breakfast, I get showered, dressed, and head off to the studio that I'm doing makeup at (even tho i insist that i wont be working or living in ventura.. he tells me to shutup and listen). I come home from work. That day, Eric had gotten home before me and had cooked dinner for me. We sit together, eat dinner, do the dishes. I "slip into something more comfortable" aka.. tshirt and pajama pants.. and we sit together on the couch with the fireplace going watching a movie. A door down the hall opens and a "mom? dad?" echoes down the hallway.
And it ended there.
God I want that.
It is so amazing that I have found a man that spends time dreaming about the time when we will be married, with a family. That and he knows my hugest weakness. Whispering in my ear. He spent hours yesterday, whispering, breathing, kissing in my ear.. and watching me squirm in delight. Damn I love that boy.
current mood:  giddy
current music: ER again.. haha, i need a life
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| Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
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10:01 am - It takes many nails to build a crib, but only 1 screw to fill it
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HAHA.. that almost makes it sound like im preggo..
So life.. what to say.. things have been interesting.. okay, so heres whats up, for those I dont talk to regularly
So work is keepin me slammed right now. Im still working at the Y, dropped one of my shifts so im down from 15 hours to 11 there. But I now have my second job at Picture People in the mall (yes, i know, sacraficed my soul to the pits of hell..aka..pac view) but its worth it. I totally love it there. My coworkers rock, i love my manager, and its alot of fun. I take pictures of kids and stuff, make sales, its good times. And in our spare time, we sit in the back room listening to music, dickin around. Oh, and my manager had me do her makeup the other day for a date with her bf and his fam, and she LOVED it.
Going with that, on the makeup tip.. Ill be finishing at VC this semester, then I'll most likely be moving to Burbank a few months after that to go to school down there. Not quite sure if I wanna go for special effects or high glam runway type stuff. Im actually gonna be working on a fashion show that the school is holding.. some 30-40 models.. high glam makeup.. im totally stoked. Also been talking with some local filmmakers who might be using me for makeup. Recently had an all-female production group in LA contact me about potentially being in a documentary that theyre putting together, or about doing makeup for future documentaries. My friend Mark, whom Ive known since i was 2, will also be moving to Burbank in the next few days, so I'll have a big bro in the area to watch after me, which rox. And if his show kicks off with his friend that theyre trying to get going, I have a makeup job there. And his modeling head shots he's doing sometime soon that he wants me to put him together for.
Right after I finish VC, I'll be taking off to Europe for a couple weeks, so that should be fun. I leave 2 days before my bday, and Ill be in london for my birthday... how rockin is that.. got a bunch of our family and friends who wanna meet up with me on my bday too and take me out.. and the coolest thing ever.. ryan is practically selling his soul in order to fly out to england to meet up with me there to celebrate my bday with me.. god i love him.
As far as therapy goes, the whole depression thing, I know some people have been really worried about me. I dont really have much to report on this. My counselor tries to make me cry, I resist. I hate crying in front of people. I feel weak. Yet everyday at some point or another, I usually break down in tears about something. lately, its been about my mom. The drinking. I cant really handle it anymore. Everytime I come home to her drunk or get a drunken phone call, a little piece of my heart crumbles. I know how upset my dad gets to see her that way, or when she and i end up in a bitch fight because shes being stupid. I hate coming home at night, and usually try to stay out late every night so that I can come home after shes in bed. And i hate having to do that.. home is supposed to be my safe place. And i hate having to skip out on spending time with my dad. But I just cant be around it anymore.
Then theres Eric. What else can I say but that I love him. We have our rough moments, but if we didn't.. it would worry me. He has become such an amazing supporter in my life right now. The boy even drives out to Ventura so that when I get off work late, I dont have to walk to my car alone. He does anything and everything he can to make me smile. I love nothing more than to snuggle up with him and fall asleep in his arms. Kissing him makes my heart race. He and I have both admitted to the other that we have NEVER felt this way about anyone before. We've talked about what it would be like to have a family together. I can without a doubt see myself marrying him, and I know that he feels the same way, and that feels so good.
Other than that.. just a few random moments.. went away for the weekend a couple of weekends ago, that rocked, added a couple more piercings, planning a couple tattoos, yeah, and a bunch of other stupid random shit. So now I have everyone caught up. Any questions?
current mood: tired
current music: Watching ER..mornings w/ no school rule
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| Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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10:57 am - A followup to monday
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So yesterday was my first meeting with the counselor. Sweet woman, and she and i connected pretty well, which is good. Helps me feel safer to talk to her. She reviewed some questionaires about how ive been lately, asked me what ive gone through in the past to get where i am, stuff like that. She kept trying to get me to cry. She said that as composed as i appeared, that i was just putting on a face, and that she could see me holding back tears. Im just not all that comfortable crying in front of people I dont know. And ive gotten good at holding it back.. even tho she told me to knock it off. She said i have major signs of depression and anxiety. that i have unresolved issues from my childhood when i went through everything with my family. she asked me over and over what im afraid of. We talked about what i want to do i the future, where I plan to go. told me to start taking over the counter sleeping aids.. she wont put me on any prescription type stuff yet because of my "self medicating" i used to do. It seems like over these next few weeks, we'll be spending our hour talking about my family, our past, how i dealt with things before, how i react to things now. Im to take note of what brings me down, makes me mad, makes me cry. at this point.. everything. i dont know if all this is gonna help, but im willing to try. i love the people around me too much to keep going on the path im going now. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore. i hate feeling like a bitch of a person.
current mood: drained
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| Monday, February 28th, 2005
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11:03 am - Long time no entry
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So, its been a long time since ive put anything on here.. things have been going through a lot of changes lately.. clearing old friendships out of my life.. regaining friendships with people I havent talked to in ages.. and beginning new friendships with some amazing people. I have some really awesome people in my life lately..ciuffa hun.. you rock my sox.. i love ya.. thanks for all the support youve given me lately through everything.. ryan.. what can i say.. you're my jack, and i love you to pieces.. Alot of other people that I know wont be reading this, like eric, lauren, and a few others.. amazing people. I am so lucky to be surrounded by the people I have in my life right now. I couldnt ask for more. Its amazing how much people hold you back from progressing as a person because theyre so overwhelming and manipulative.. but once you finally seperate yourself from it.. suddenly, its like a new birth.. I wish I could say that everything in life was rainbows and sunshine, but unfortunately.. thats not the case. I have found myself dropping back into a very dark place I was once in when I was going through all the crap with my family. For the past few months.. I've become a different person.. much more emotional.. crying at the drop of a dime.. irritable.. not sleeping.. barely eating.. I figured I was stressed. well, after talking to my health teacher, I went to an emotional health screening, and have found out that im now in a clinical depression and also possibly dealing with post traumatic stress disorder.. for reasons id rather not discuss here. And i hate the fact that I have to confront it.. it was so much easier to deny it before, give alternate excuses as to why i felt the way i did. The other problem.. finding healthier ways to deal with it.. a few years ago, drinking, smoking, cutting, and bulimia were the answers.. and now.. what now... thats the question.. i now have more responsibilities and more people to think about in my choices than i used to.. my niece and nephew, eric, my friends.. i cant do that to myself again.. my fear is that ill start treating people the way i used to... and i fear i already have.. i get irritated with people much more easily.. shut people out.. change face in front of people.. so I guess thats the reason that im posting this.. so that my friends can know whats going on in my life.. trust me, im not trying to make excuses for my actions or the way that i can be sometimes.. but maybe trying to explain and also try to reach out, rather than shut down like usual. So tomorrow, i have an appt with a school counselor, and hopefully we'll be able to come to some sort of conclusion about what i actually have going on with me, and how to deal with it. The uncertainity of it all is brutal. Other than all that crap, Im just kinding waiting for things to get rolling.. graduating from VC this may, then its off to europe. then ill be moving to go to makeup school or working under people already in the field. eric is having a really hard time dealing with the idea of me going to europe and moving to go to school.. but i guess we'll just have to see what happens.. he and i have been together for 4 months now.. but as close as we are.. it feels like much longer.. i have to admit.. i love the bastard ;) just have to wait and see what happens i guess..anyway.. thats life so far.. im gonna try to keep up with this journal stuff.. mainly a myspacer now tho.. but yeah.. ill try!!
current mood: tired
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| Monday, November 29th, 2004
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10:30 am - My funeral
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| Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
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12:27 am - off the market
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So tonight.. made Eric the happiest boy in the world... no I didn't have sex with him you perverts... I told him I would be his girlfriend finally.. his response.. "dammit i need to pop my leg"
he's so romantic
current mood:  loved
current music: Blue collar comedy
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| Sunday, October 10th, 2004
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12:03 am - I wanna be cool like stix and post randomly too....
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So yeah, after like 4 months, I might as well post, good for shits and giggles. This month is OUT OF CONTROL.. lemme tell ya. I am sooo tired already, and I'm like 1/3 of the way through it. So yeah, here's what my life is like right now... Monday.. work at night, then work out, do homework. Tuesday, school from 8:30 am-9:15pm, then work out. Wednesday, sleep (god forbid) homework, and I'll probably be adding more work that day. Thursday, school 8:30 am to 8:30 pm, then work out. Friday, work at 8:30am, seaside haunt from 4pm-1am. Saturday, work at 8:45, seaside haunt matinee at 1:30, regular show until 1am. Sunday, same matinee and regular show schedule for the seaside haunt. Throw in a social life, some datin here and there, and yeeaaaahh.. maybe like 15 hours sleep total for the week. I'm wrecked. But it's alot of fun, so I can't complain. The seaside haunt people are great, school people are cool. I've met soo many people lately, and it's nice. I was talkin to ciuffa about this before. Lately, alot of me has been changing. I have been making a genuine effort to change things in my life. I found myself to be too negative, lookin at all the things I had wrong in my life. I had no confidence in myself, no respect for myself, and never expected it from anyone. And perhaps, if anything, kevin showed me one thing, and thats that i deserve to be treated well (which bit him in the ass later on). So a big part of my life lately has been seperating myself from people who are assholes to me, who i don't feel treat me like they want me to be part of their life. and on the flip side, i have been devoting alot more time to the positive people in my life, who remind me all the time how much they love having me as a friend, who wanna spend time with me, and actually act like they enjoy having me as part of their life. I've also been putting more effort into takin care of myself, workin out, hardly drinking at all, gradually kickin the smoking habit, etc etc. and I have to admit, I'm probably the happiest I've been in a awhile. I've noticed I've mellowed out alot too. Still random and loud in the right situation, but alot of the time, I just like to chill. I still make people laugh, but don't dedicate my time to making myself feel "worthy" as the one whos around to make people laugh. And in meeting new people, they get to know me as the person i'm turning into, rather than expecting me to always be who i used to be. I don't put up with shit anymore. Alot of times, I wouldn't say anything, usually to avoid confrontation, but with the amount of times that's come back to bite me in the ass, I'm done with that shit. I guess, I'm just more honest with myself now, and I'm not afraid to extend that to people around me, and maybe that's come with the newfound self respect. who knows. either way, i'm really liking the person i'm beginning to shape into, and my friends that i've made lately seem to feel the same way. i'm surprised to see how much these new people are opening up to me, and some of my older friends are shutting down to me. I guess some people just don't want me to change. they want me to just stay the same old goof kate whos around for a laugh when you need one, but not much else. God forbid i have a more personal reflective side. but some people just dont want to see that in me. and these are the people i'm gradually weeding out of my life. no more being taken advantage of for me.
so thats what happpens when you dont say anything for 4 months. it just floods out. but yeah, just thought you guys might be interested to hear where i'm at right now, in school, work, and personally. hope all is well with everyone else, especially to those i havent talked to in awhile. let me know how you're doing. i care about all of your guys' lives too, and i hope you guys are all finding yourselves in the places you want to be too, or are in the process of advancing there. Take care, i love you guys.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
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3:41 pm - yes..im alive
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Sorry I havent been able to write anything in a long ass time. But me and my cool computer dont have a dial-up, so Im using one of my dad's employees instead. So yeah. life at home is cool. Schools done.. yea for kate.. been spending time with alot of people.. hang out with randel all the friggin time now.. monique hates him now, because we were together.. oh well. Life at work is going to be great.. new owners.. and the bitch manager is leaving. WOOOOHOOOOO... so now me jess and julie can stay at work. Sweet deal. erika may or may not come back.. we're not sure. Finally got to see my niece after not seeing her for like 2 weeks.. god i missed that kid. Tyler was in his preschool graduation yesterday. well, he didn't graduate, the older kids did, but he got to be part of it anyway. Lol, tyler calls kevin "duh" how appropriate. Oh and he calls him "more hide" cuz he plays hide and seek with him. Fine with me, i get to spend more time with my neice that way, cuz she loves me more :P Got to watch her for a few hours yesterday.. man that kid is a bucket of smiles.. she's waaay too cute for her own good.. someone called her my little girl yesterday.. did i deny it? NOPE. Anyway, ummm yeah, things are sorta busy, sorta not.. weekends seem to keep pretty steady between work, birthdays, parties, get-togethers, etc. Well.. for now, i guess i have nothing more to say. Love ya'll, give me a call, would love to hang out with people. I stay relatively open during the weekend, and I can always bail on some pre-made weekend plans. Talk to ya later... ADIOS!!!!
current mood:  sore
current music: The new kimberly locke cd.. yes i know.. im a dork
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| Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
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2:01 pm - one more classified ad
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okay, so, my bro and sis-in-law have an 8 1/2 month old black lab that they can no longer keep. They are just too overwhelmed with kids, and don't really have the ability to care for a puppy. He is a very sweet dog, has alot of energy, and needs to be worked with on obedience and potty training, because they have basically just ignored him. He is very loving, great with kids, likes other dogs (haven't seen him around cats to say what he is like with them) and needs a loving home with a family who will spend time with him. I wouuld like for him to be an inside dog, because he gets shut out all the time, and its not fair to him, but he also needs a yard to run around in. If i had a place where I lived, i would take him, but unfortunately, george is a very jealous dog, and won't have him at our house, and I dont have my own place yet, and i want him to be with people i know, or that my friends know, would take excellent care of him and give him alot of love. He is a very healthy dog, and has been recently neutered, and is current on all vaccines. if you or anyone you know might be interested, please let me know as soon as possible.
current mood:  curious
current music: construction outside
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12:31 pm - roommate wanted
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okay, so i was talking to my old swing teacher, and he and his wife are looking to buy a house, which means they would be moving out of their current one, and we were throwing the idea around that I could take their house they have now and take over rent. its a 2 bedroom, 1 bath (i think its one bath, maybe 2) hardwood floors in some places, really cute little house on a nice street off of loma vista, behind commnity memorial hospital and bonnie. They pay 1000 a month, which is pretty good, however I'm not sure about utilities. There is a hose across the road, exact same layout, rent is 1400. so this is a good deal. i might talk my parents into letting me take this one up if i can find a roommate. I mean, 500 bucks a month, i know someone can do that. and if you cant, but know someone whos lookin, let me know. my teachers move isnt definite, but its lookin good, and i want to let him know as soon as possible if i can do this. so yeah, someone?
current mood: hopeful
current music: umm..my roomie just slapped her boyfriend.. does that count?
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| Monday, May 24th, 2004
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2:15 pm - posting.. what a shocker
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okay, so, i've been a bit out of the loop, been at home for about a week and a half, haven't been able to read or post for awhile, so here are some updates and comments of my own.
So, this past week has been an interesting one. George was sick for about half of it, and my parents were gone on vacation, so I stayed home with him. Thursday was my b-day. Went out to dinner and lunch, went to the dr's, got a fatty "robo-brace" for my knee. turns ouut my meniscus has pulled away form its capsule.. no surgery, just scarring and healing.. and a SHITLOAD of physical therapy.. can you tell how absolutely exstatic i am.
So, for my bday, got some money, some cards, my ring that i wanted from my parents, and a dvd player, a gift card from syd, lots of text messages and calls, fatty martini glasses from kevin that are going up in my room as part of my alcohol theme. good times. on saturday, worked with my 2 fave girls at the clinic, and then the 3 of us met up at erikas house with another ex-coworker and we all hung out, had a few drinks, and then jessica's boyfriend came and towed us home, so that was fun. Saturday, my family came over and we did a birthday celebration with my godfamily. it was, for the most part, a good weekend.
Okay, so, can't wait to get together with everyone soon, i miss ya'll alot.
To whoever was fucking with tess, which im assuming was phillip, fuck you. oh, btw, he told me he was "cleaning up that part of his life" today, and deleted me from his buddy list. see the tears?? yeah, i know you do.
only a couple more weeks and then im done with SB, im stoked. Then i'll be at school in ventura, back at home with my friends, and hittin up class with syd. Could be fun. Debating leaving my work to work at another clinic, as my 2 girls there are planning on leaving possibly, and i cant work there if they leave. total torture.
So thats my life in a nutshell right now. hope to see you all soon. I'll be home again this weekend, and i was thinking about maybe bringin people to my house on sunday, seeing as monday is memorial day, and we can all chill, let me know if you guys are down. I'm also not working this weekend, except for friday, so if anyone wants to get together this weekend, let me know. I'm down. miss you all much, love ya.
current mood:  blah
current music: Roomates and next doors music which is blaring thru my wall
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| Tuesday, May 11th, 2004
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2:23 pm - okay
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I was commanded to update my journal. But I have absolutely shit to say. Everything's about the same. So by tess's command:
Shit.
current mood: blah
current music: 60's musica
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| Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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12:31 am - i swear
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the more and more the year goes on, the more and more i get revelations made about me. So i have my buddy mike on my floor, who's like a best friend here. Well, we get into a rift because last week I was trying to tell him about my week, and he constantly keep interjecting with "advice" and finally i was dude, just shut the fuck up for like two seconds. well, he got pissed, yelled at me, called me a fuckin bitch, so i walked out of it his room. That was last wednesday. today was the first time we talked, and i sent him an IM that was like, so are you still ignoring me, or will you actually talk to me now. He just kept going on and on about how i was bitch, and how he wasnt kevin, and he wasnt going to take any shit from me. So i was like... mm okay, i guess i missed the part in your life where you were perfect. He denied ever being mean to me. I laughed. I swear, he is such a whiny little bitch sometimes, and he can be such a cock bite, i swear i just wanna slap him in the face. I guess i never realized I was that much of a bitch or something. I dont know, I'd always seen myself as the tpe of person who was only bitchy to the people that deserved it, but maybe im just a big ole bitch in general. seems to be peoples perceptions of me lately.
current mood: crushed
current music: silence
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| Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
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9:55 am - Still wondering
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Okay, I'm still wondering who all is planning on going to Magic Mountain with me on the 21st for my b-day. I have a few people lined up, jessica from work with her bf and kid (maybe), kev, geneive, maybe mike, and whatever random ass people i've ended up inviting. Nonetheless, it should be a fun group. So anyone who will be in town and isn't in school/working is welcome to come.. provided i know who you are...
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| Monday, April 26th, 2004
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3:18 pm
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Okay, a couple things to say:
1. I love the fact that my inbox is now flooded with post responses... it's great.
2. I LOVE YOU GUYS!
3. Tess is okay in bed.
4. I STILL LOVE YOU GUYS!
5. Yeah.. I'm outta shit to say...
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swingerchick's journal
pissed off